The Danish Way of Parenting (2014)

My third book for the year is Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl's book on The Danish Way of Parenting. I have to admit that I feel like I'm reading more books these days because I'm not reading as many scientific articles. However, I'm in the data processing stage at the moment so I'm really not focused on reading up on technical stuff.

Just as a comparison, I read around 60 technical articles while developing the scientific paper that the team I'm working with has recently submitted for peer-review. 

But I digress. I have been in Denmark a few summers ago and I know that its people have been touted as the happiest people on the planet; thus explains my curiosity about how the Danes approach parenting. What do they do that make their children confident and happy?

The authors summarised their view of the Danish way of parenting into an acronym: Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No ultimatums, Togetherness.

The bottom line of the first principle, play, is similar to what Erika Christakis was saying in her book "The Importance of Being Little": adults need to give children the space for free (i.e., no adult intervention) play. We're not supposed to swoop in each time a child faces a difficulty. That includes allowing them to learn how to negotiate and renegotiate with while they are playing with other kids (I remember when my playmates would agree on the rules of playing patintero or mataya-taya before we started playing) or to figure things out while playing alone. But if we do want to play with children, we're supposed to go down to their level and let them lead the play activity (in other words, we're not supposed to supervise... we're supposed to play). Alexander and Sandahl then explained why giving children that space is important. It allows children to develop self-confidence that is based on their self-satisfaction and achievement, and not on the external praise that they receive from adults. Such self-confidence will allow them to grow up knowing that they can do things if they take the time to learn them and there's virtually no limit to what they can achieve.

The second principle, authenticity, is all about making sure that the child sees his/her parents as examples of emotional honesty: how to handle happiness and sadness, when to be frank enough to admit and to deal when things are not okay, and focusing on improving one's self instead of aiming for external signs of social status. This principle is something that I still need to master, to be frank, because I tend to bury emotions until I have solved the problems I'm facing one at a time. The other aspect of authenticity is all about being careful about praise. Danish children, apparently, were praised for the effort rather than for being naturally smart or gifted. By being praised for effort, kids develop a "growth mindset" rather than a "fixed mindset" commonly observed in children praised for being intelligent or talented. Thinking about this concept, I realised that my parents and grandparents followed this idea: I wasn't praised for being the best kid in the room; rather, I was commended for figuring out how to use the typewriter all by myself, my drawings were critiqued, and my experiences were labelled as character-building. My parents also instilled in me the drive to perform my best and to figure out where I could still improve.

The third principle is all about reframing. I've seen first-hand that it is an effective way of seeing things more positively when I became overwhelmed during my first weeks of being a mother. Though I felt like I am a resilient person, the endless cycle of feeding, burping, diaper changes, and getting the wee one to sleep took a heavy toll on me; weekends are relatively easy because my parents and Anna are on hand to help me out and I can sleep. However, weekdays are a different story: because all of them are working... and because Val is on the other side of the Pacific, the brunt of taking care of our son is on me. Aside from dealing with the challenges of being a new mom, I realised that I have always been reframing difficult situations to the point that a friend told me that I am wearing rose-coloured glasses (to his irritation). 

The fourth principle, empathy, is defined as understanding other people by seeing the world from their perspective. Instead of labelling other people using generalisations (e.g., he is naughty or she is lazy), being empathic makes us try to figure out why someone behaves the way he/she does. Admittedly, I am short on this department but I do try to be empathic without talking about other people negatively behind their backs (but watch out when I'm upset... Val normally reminds me to be kind and maintain professionalism when someone irks me).

No ultimatums... this, for me, is something Val and I will have to figure out with the wee one because we both grew up in families with strict parents. I interpret "strict" as parents who do set down ground rules that could be treated as ultimatums (e.g., don't do this or else...); if I disobeyed them, I got spanked. The Danes maintain an authoritative style of parenting. Do we want to go this route or do we want to stick with the traditional parenting approaches that we grew up with? There is one ultimatum I already made, though: when it comes to disciplining our child(ren), only Val and I can do that. Elder relatives can discuss their issues about our kids with us but they have no authority to physically discipline (e.g., spank) our kids.

Togetherness or hygge is a unique Danish tradition that I have experienced myself. When I was in Brenderup Folk High School during UNLEASH, the moderators got the participants into group singing every morning, eating meals together, and playing percussion instruments à la STOMP to foster camaraderie amongst us. This led to long-lasting friendships. For example, I am still in touch with fellow participants from Spain and from Benin (both coincidentally working for the World Food Programme).

If parents follow these general principles, their kids will grow into resilient, kind, and balanced adults. I'm keen on incorporating these themes as I grow more into my role as a mom. I have to note, however, that many of the principles presented in the book are not uniquely Danish. I've seen my parents teach us about empathy, authenticity, and play, for instance. But practising these principles have made the Danes the happiest people on Earth, so following these principles must be beneficial for the well-being of Danish kids.

The Danish Way of Parenting is a very interesting read. I highly recommend it. I had borrowed the copy that I've read from the Clayton Community Library but because it's so good, I'm actually contemplating buying my own copy (and sending one to Val) after the shelter-in-place order has been lifted. But then, the authors have put much of the content online anyway so I'm still thinking.