Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting (2014)

The common advice these days is "back to sleep; tummy to play". The American Association of Paediatrics advocates this safe sleep campaign to lower the number of SIDS cases. I have no issues with putting my baby on his back when he sleeps; however, I have been asking myself if I should force "tummy time" on him if he's not physically ready to lie prone. Shouldn't I wait until he can roll from back to tummy before I encourage him to spend some time on his stomach? Am I being a bad parent if I skip tummy time because I don't want to hear his ear-piercing angry cries when he gets tired while propped on his elbows? Am I supposed to be worried about the flat-head syndrome that's apparently linked with the baby spending too much time on his/her back?

Then, one of my friends from high school, Karla, who's also a new mom herself, mentioned that her son's paediatrician recommended allowing her son (younger by a few weeks than my son) some time alone for independent play. At that time, I had thought that my son was too young for independent play and so I made sure that I was playing with him during his wakeful times (in between diaper changes and feeds). Should have I started leaving my child alone to play by himself? Won't he thrive better if I was playing with him? 

While thinking about these things, I came across Janet Lansbury's book "Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting". She encourages parents to see their children as unique individuals, not objects. Also, she reminds parents to give children space to play (and be like children). These ideas remind me of The Danish Way of Parenting and of The Importance of Being Little, both of which discuss the importance of parent-free play and of being "seen" as a child in child development. 

I wanted to learn more about Janet's child-rearing principles because they seem aligned to what I want to do so I decided to purchase the book.

  

The book also served as my introduction to the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) parenting philosophy. It was developed by Magda Gerber and, in my opinion, encourages parents who are following "attachment parenting" principles to the extreme (aka helicopter parents) to take a more relaxed approach; they do not need to respond to their children's needs all the time. I certainly picked up a few nuggets of wisdom. I note these below:

Babies understand you and are capable of communicating.

I'm not sure if I'm buying into this idea but I include it anyway because it's one of the more unique aspects of RIE parenting. It states that babies are born with some capacity to understand language and to communicate with their caregivers. If I talk my child through the diaper-changing routine, for example, he'd understand it enough to respond. And to show respect to my child, I am encouraged to ask permission before I clean him up and wait for a response. 

I totally get the part about respecting the child. However, I'm not sure that he'd understand what I'm saying. Let's say I ask permission before I change his diaper. If he cries, do I take that as a "no"? If his diaper is really full and I need to replace it with a new one, do I not proceed? If he smiles and kicks his legs excitedly, do I take the response as a "yes" or should I merely interpret his reaction as a sign of excitement?

Wait until your baby is developmentally ready.

Though the RIE philosophy believes that a baby has a more advanced cognition than I've expected, it believes that babies are not developmentally ready to do certain physical activities, like rolling, sitting, and crawling. We are supposed to offer a lot of play time on the floor to the baby so that he/she can have the opportunity to practise using the different muscles and figure out how to move them.

Does this mean that I don't need to do tummy time with my son? Janet discourages tummy time, actually, as well as propping the baby to sit. She believes that babies will roll to their tummies and into a seated position in due time. While I wait, it's better if I keep my son on his back during play time.

I thought that this is a good idea so I relaxed; the pressure to put him on his tummy was reduced. He'd spend play time mostly on his back, stretching and wriggling and kicking. A few weeks after I started not to be worried about tummy time, my son rolled to his side! It showed that his anti-gravity movements have become coordinated enough and he gained ample muscle control to be able to make the turn. The rolling meant that he had to to leave the bassinet and sleep in the crib ASAP. 

Oh, and doing complete rolls is just around the corner! 

Once he was comfortable rolling to his side, I realised that I just needed to nudge him to get onto his tummy. And he wasn't crying out of frustration anymore. The combination of seeing the world from a different angle, having stronger muscles, and the feeling of being rolled probably has made him more comfortable lying prone. 

(This nudge is certainly not a part of RIE philosophy; obviously, I was curious to see how he's react to being gently pushed to the tummy time position. He obliged by rolling from tummy to back. Apparently, being on his tummy was no longer that of a big problem for him.)

Allow babies to play independently.

My son didn't play alone until after I read the book. I realised that I could observe him while he played. At his age, play here means unoccupied play and solitary play (both are developmentally normal for his age). This means that he mostly just wriggled and raised his limbs in the beginning. He really wasn't into toys until his fourth month. And then he became all grabby and started reaching for Ferguson the Fox and Sophie the Giraffe. He also started learning how to transfer his Winkle ball from one hand to another (and he gets upset if he can't do it).  

Though observing the baby is a good component of a child's play time, I don't think that this is a substitute for keeping the baby physically close. A child thrives when contact with caregivers is in abundance. So if my child signals that he's had enough of independent play, I pick him up and carry him. But if he cries out of frustration because of a toy disappearing (out of his view), I let him figure out what to do next for a few moments before I come in to the rescue.

It's okay to set boundaries.

There are days when my baby acts as if his skin is made of Velcro. He'd cry a lot if I leave him in his bassinet (a safe space) as I prepared his milk. This behaviour is understandable because babies love being in close proximity with their parents. Many times, however, such nearness may mean staring at my untouched breakfast all day, waiting for hours before using the loo, or catching up on emails, SMS, and social media via phone while my son slept with his arms around my neck.

I couldn't do anything at home but I most certainly am exhausted. I wish I could just lay my docile child in a safe space and then do an activity to take care of myself. Enter the RIE parenting philosophy about setting a boundary between parent and child such that a child remains calm while the parent is out of sight. This sounds well and good but I'm not sure that babies will remain calm when separation anxiety kicks in. Also, I don't think that my child will stay quiet while I disappeared round the corner for a quick bite or a short stint in the bathroom, particularly during his wonder weeks. Bawling baby episode aside, I like the idea of telling my son where I'm going before I actually leave him in his crib or his bassinet. I even started doing this. 

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As I neared the end of the book, I decided that I will cherry-pick aspects of RIE parenting that seem to align with my parenting approach. After all, I know my baby best and will have to try and err as I grow into this new role of motherhood.